Hi, Brendan. As a child, I grew up believing that I was not enough to a certain type of people and especially to girls that I found very beautiful. From 2014 I came across self help and started talking to strangers with the idea that this way I will get the feeling that I am equal. Over the years, I have found that this approach gives me a temporary feeling that I am equal after seeing good reactions, but I do not achieve lasting change. In 2017, I began to question my belief that I was not worthy in myself. After a short investigation, I felt that this was just a conviction, and it seemed that I was finally enough. A week later, however, it was as if I had returned to my old identity. Can you give me advice on how to approach so that I can transform permanently? I want to feel equal with the girls and no longer have to worry about communicating well enough with them to make them like me. I want to feel free the way I feel with my friends. How to change my identity permanently?
I want to transform because I perceive myself in a way that creates actions such as fear, escape, manipulative and inauthentic communication. I feel a performance anxiety and it’s hard for me to relax to be spontaneous.
The goal is to feel comfortable with beautiful women by default. I want to approach without worry. I want to talk freely, have sex with them and create a healthy relationship when I find the right girl.
I apologize if my English is confusing. my level is not good and i use google translator.
Stefan,
Thanks, I will consider what you have proposed here and see if anything comes to mind that will be of value.
If being spontaneous is something that doesn't come naturally then you may want to train it. You could do this a few different ways. One could be to join a theatre or improv club. They practice spontaneity regularly and you will also learn to take yourself less seriously.
You can investigate and notice how the fear or anxiety arises. Likely part of it is that you are afraid of a future outcome with the women. Like being rejected or you are afraid you will lose your opportunity at sex or whatever. If you are fully willing to be rejected and are not attached to a specific outcome the anxiety should be less and perhaps disappear. Then you will likely be more able to be spontaneous and confident, which will increase your chances of the above. It can be counter intuitive.
In addition you can take up the discipline of talking to pretty women and get rejected a bunch or not. Just get out there and do it. At least you will be training and it should get easier as you go.
You can also do a bottom line contemplation on why you are anxious in the first place. You could use a question like, "What way am I such that I am afraid of talking to women?" See this video on bottom line contemplation:
https://youtu.be/WmAefhxl1_M
These things should help. Also remember if you want to make a change you have to do something about it. This means take action, change your thinking, feelings, emotional states etc...
Completely up to you how you proceed.
Good luck,
Brendan
Thanks for the advice :)
I will answer as soon as possible after experimenting with the tips. I think I have the skills, because I've already seen how I do it, but I block them often for fear of failure and beliefs, of which I am not fully aware.
I watched a video that you recommends several times. It's golden. I think the change that told you happened in 2017 was caused by the same approach. But a few weeks later, when the old beliefs came back, I tried to imitate the old process, expecting a known result. This time I will commit to do real questioning.
I also watched your video "On Being More Effective, What Is Effectiveness?"
I noticed that my approach to dating was applying the skill properly, not with the goal to achieve something with the girl. I think that's how I criticizing my skill rather than making my approach to connect with the girl.
Good to notice and glad it made a difference.
If you haven't seen it this might also help and help reinforce your realization:
Š¢hank you very much :)
You're welcome. Do good work out there.
What comes to mind for me when I consider being comfortable around and talking with women tends to be a basic yet sometimes underestimated piece of advice, being; relax and be yourself. Just talk with them like a person, and when I say "talk with them like a person" I don't mean by the things that you say, I mean by "how you conversate," and the frame of mind that you're doing it and operating from. Like not trying to manipulate them into fulfilling some sort of goal or talking with an ulterior motive, just talking with them and being real and being interested in what they say and the person in front of you. From there it might take a more natural flow towards whatever it is you're interested in. No need to overcomplicate it.
Often times how much importance you play on your perceived "desirability" and where you rank yourself on that scale and what that means to you can be more effect causing than whatever reality that may represent. If low self esteem is an issue, don't even worry about that. The more you solidify your inadequacies as being true in your mind, and the more you resist them, the more fear you'll probably have and the more focused you'll be on that than the person in front of you. If you're aware you can let it go, let it go. If not, you can get used to really BEING a shy ass, low self esteem, low desirable person and be ok with that. Eventually you'd probably get over that, or not mind it when it comes up. Or, like Brendan said, you could contemplate what it is and why it is in a bottom line contemplation, maybe get free of it.
Also, don't mind being rejected. Sometimes it can happen and it is what it is. Oh well. Did you die? Don't think so. Even if that happens you at least had a maybe cool conversation, and even if that, maybe you're getting more used to it. Besides, every master has had to have failed numerous times before they got as good as they are. You'll probably get the hang of it. Good luck
Thanks for the contribution Devin.
Thank you Devin :)
I promised to give feedback on how I take advantage of the information here.
First, I found myself treating something I thought about myself, as if it were the truth, and giving value to assumptions about whether someone liked me instead of seeing what was actually happening in practice. I found that instead of paying so much attention to what I deserved, it was more valuable to be guided by how people reacted to my actions. If they react friendly and take the initiative, then they have an interest in me, no matter what I thought about myself before.
Secondly, because I am currently isolated for about 2 weeks and I wanted to learn something new, I decided to do an experiment. Instead of thinking about what kind of actions would bring me closer to people, I decided to watch a video of a person getting closer to people.
I did not listen to what theory this man was talking about, but I observed his actions when they were effective and his actions when they were not effective.
I have found that when effective, his actions seem like an intention to playfully play with someone and hence associations that he expresses in this pose or an intention to get closer to someone and from there share something that he actually experiences in an intimate and not intimidating way. I also noticed 2 more things in his positive approaches. At first, he sometimes steered them in the direction he wanted things to go, and they followed him. It's like telling them to come with me when they see that they're responding well. And second, to notice when people do not react well and to calibrate their actions so as not to insult or force them.
Then I looked at an example where things weren't going well. Because watching him I feel his actions I felt blocked because the place he came from gave rise to associations similar to a mental process that I have when it doesn't work. I noticed that when his actions are ineffective, instead of being set up to joke or share something for free, it is set up that he has to keep the girl or steal him to do something (there is this agenda). And he seems to feel bad because he is experiencing a mental process in which he has not yet received what he wants to feel good instead of doing it for free. I've noticed that I get into this type of action when I validate my thought that I don't deserve someone and I try to use the person I'm interacting with to make him do something to think afterwards that I deserve it.
In conclusion, I seem to have found that if I enter with the setting that I have to prove who I am or what I can do through people, this will be flawed. I will feel as if I do not have it because I am processing this thought at the moment and my conversations will feel trihard, with the fear that I may be mistaken and with a slight guilt that I am manipulating and the fear that they may see how I do it. And in order to get closer to people, I have to enter with the attitude to share myself for free or with the attitude to joke, I express sexually and honestly also for free. And point somewhere. By gratuitous I mean not to look for a new idea for me based on how someone reacts to me. In the end, some will have an interest, others will not.
I notice that I have often approached something with the idea that it will make me better and what I am now is bad and that has made me reject myself. Now I recognize it as a mistake and I see that I have suffered that I have nothing just because I was in the mental loop that it must be something different from what I have now. And the reaction to the mental loop was suffering itself, not the lack of anything in my current experience.