Hey Brendan,
My problem I’m writing to you about has to do with quitting and how it has become a pernicious habit. There are many examples of how quitting in various areas of my life has affected my mind and experience of self & life. As the years have passed though these habits have created a pretty deep sense of self doubt, shame, and so forth which, as far as I can tell, is merely l natural byproducts and effects from taking particular actions. Similar or perhaps even the same effects that come from breaking one’s integrity. One area this habit shows up is in my sport as a competitive runner. Today I DNF’d (Did Not Finish) 2 miles into a 10K race I did (6.2 miles). Before the race I was nervous as is usual but part of my really dreads these kinds of events and I experience all this self doubt so forth. My mind is already anticipating the thought of quitting before I even get to the race. By the time I dropped I wasn’t even running particularly fast but I was anticipating falling off my pace which I was already kind of behind on and wasn’t feeling that good about. When I pulled off the course it seems like there might not be anything deeper as to what quitting is beyond a mere choice and that it really is just that simple. The feeling of shame and inner weakness always hurts and it’s something that always gets to me and I think overcoming that is partly what keeps me in the sport to this day. Seeing other people move on with more mental ease and without as much of a sense of inner struggle always really got to me. Same thing applies to the 3 different times I dropped out of community college.
So I suppose my question(s) is how do I reverse this? I see people on social media (guys like Jocko Willink, David Goggins, etc.) and i always wished that was me but I don’t know if I just can’t handle (or perhaps I’m not truly willing and don’t want to handle deep down) the level of difficulty or adversity as guys like that. I’ve considered maybe I’m quitting because I just don’t want to do what I’ve been doing. After all, I am very committed and driven when I’m engaged in consciousness work (even if I don’t express Ralstonian levels of discipline). How might you suggest investigating this matter?
I hope this finds you and Peter well and you guys are enjoying cold beers in the high hills of Texas.
Regards,
Kieran
Hey Kieran,
From my own experience, I've recently found that quitting occurs when I attach the activity, specifically how I hold it to my bottom-line. For instance, I struggle to workout because I am already not enough going into it and even though I'm very capable to do much more, my mind right now gets the best of me (I've gained some weight during covid that I'm trying to shed). Two things that have helped me are dyads and ironically a new activity. Dyads help me directly investigate or see what's going on so that I can separate the mind activity from the activity itself. Secondly, by chance I discovered rock climbing and have had a great time with the activity because I don't put any expectations on it. I purposefully keep it fun and go regularly with a buddy. As a result, I am progressing well with the new activity and as I get stronger, I think it will be easy to return to working out and not quit. I'm not sure if any of this helps but I empathize and look forward to Brendan's response. Cheers.
Hi Kieran,
In my experience the first thing to do is to stop beating myself up about it and stop comparing myself to other people. David Goggins and people like that may be very strong and disciplined in one area of life but you may not see (because it's not publicized) other areas of his life that are a complete mess - and maybe he has quit (in fact prior to his "success" he did a ton of "quitting"). I think these things when I do them set me up to feel bad and feeling bad is not going to usually inspire me to act. Also I try to be careful about how I frame things. For example, maybe you quit the race but at least you started it and gave it a shot. You completed the activity of starting. I think if you look hard enough you can find things you haven't quit on in your life (even if you think these are small things).
Adam
Kieran,
Here you go, I hope this helps. You're invited to go out there and kick your own ass!
Brendan
Kiernan,
Here is another short video that is an addition to the previous video.
Brendan