A Block in My Honesty Practice

Brendan,

Thank you for your most recent video on honesty.

Near the end of the video you posted a clip of the Tai Chi master lying and rationalizing to himself after losing that fight, which you also posted.

Paying attention to what that man was doing really helped give me a second person perspective of what it is I’m doing so much when I get “triggered” (getting emotionally reactive very fast and very powerfully or subtly) or I attempt to confront myself honestly or when I’m confronted by someone or some situation in some way.

For instance, recently I was talking to a Zen master or Roshi over a Zoom call. When I was talking he called me out abruptly on how I was just “talking in stories”. Without going into unimportant details of the conversation itself, I noticed just how much there was this compulsory drive to manipulate/project at him. I noticed this force that wanted to express itself as a victim via physical demeanor and also express a sense of agitation and blame. I noticed that this is the force that drives 99% of my communication, perception, and the way I experience my self and others. This really triggered a deep emotional upsurge that was so powerful I had a depressive episode throughout the day because I got that it was as though I’m not even capable of actual honesty and that I’m the one suspending and upholding all of these delusions, fantasies, attachments, and falsehoods that create so much suffering, a sense of personal bondage, enslavement, and powerlessness. This was so powerful that I just started berating and blaming myself. I know intellectually this is unnecessary but I guess sometimes these reactions are just so powerful that that’s just the way it goes sometimes and par for the course.

Going back to your video though, you were pointing out how the man lost the fight and was adding all this stuff to cover up the fact that he can’t fight with all sorts of excuses, rationalizations, and creating delusions to keep his mind from being open and honest about the actual truth of the matter. I do this and I’m noticing that I can still be honest about what it is I’m experiencing things as but not the rock bottom truth of the matter that is heart or root that suspends so much of the dynamics of my own self, personality, character, suffering, desires, aversions, lies, and delusions as a way to distract myself from the truth.

The problem is though, I don’t know what that is. I even communicated this to the Zen master I spoke to and he eventually communicated back, “the devil you know is not as scary as the devil you don’t know.” I would also add to this appropriate metaphor, “the devil I don’t want to know.”

With all that said, my conclusion prior to my request for whatever guidance or help you can give is that there seems to be a “block” to getting truly honest and hitting that bottom line. This block seems to be an aversion that doesn’t want know and that’s to serve as a way to avoid the anticipated pain from being honest. Like the Tai Chi man, his lying probably serves him by not having to admit he doesn’t need to know how to fight because if he wasn’t honest he would realize how much times he’s wasted thinking he’s a fighter when he’s actually not, or something like that. This force to lie and deceive just seems so powerful.

Would really appreciate your feedback and thank you for your contributions.